Its time for your hump day humdrum served up fresh, like those salads you see on the Mcdonalds commercials. In fact, it’s the only thing fresh at Mcdonalds. Even the animals they kill usually rot after a month before they turn them into happy meals. I’m just making a joke, don’t sue me ghost of Ray Kroc.
1-If you don’t want to go gaga over Marian Hossa’s catch and release shot against the Lightning on Sunday, perhaps you may think that the fall Patrick Kane took at that game was impressive because he’s just walking around with a big bruise on his face. “I feel great, I think chicks like it,” he said at his birthday party. It’s either that, or the millions of dollars you got for an extension this year, or because you kick ass on the ice. Keep up the good work Kaner. We love you guys!!!!
2-Will Juan Pierre flourish on the Sox, or we he bust out like he did on that other team in town? We shall find out soon since the White Sox acquired Pierre from the Dodgers in exchange for cash considerations and two minor league pitchers. After the cash, the Sox are on the hook for 8 million over two years. It might seem like a good deal, but we can only hope that Pierre doesn’t get any balls hit to him while base runners are sitting on first because he can’t throw worth shit, he’s 31 years old on the decline, and he will have to contend with the tough Chicago media again. I hope he’s ready. He’s a slight upgrade from Scotty Pods, so I guess we can be thankful for that.
3-Speaking about Chicago media, Mary Mitchell come on now. In your column yesterday you write about how Tiger Woods never hooked up with any black women and then go on to talk about how he doesn’t know the rules of a player. First off who really gives a shit if he hooked up with black women or white women? He fucked around behind his wives back, and quite frankly besides you and your friends that you go do coffee klatch with on a weekly basis that may be black, I really don’t think black women have decided to declare a national emergency because of this. You state in your piece, “Woods' appetite for white women who are cocktail waitresses, nightclub hostesses and porn and reality stars has some sisters buzzing.” I think Woods appetite for sex knows no bounds. Just wait Miss Mary; a black woman will come out of the woodwork sometime soon. Trust me. He’s a man. If a black woman approached him, that black woman would be on her back and then sitting up “in nothing but a pair of panties” while Buick called to cancel their endorsement.
4-I am not a fan of the Patriots, as many of you know, but I have to defend Randy Moss here for a second. Although I don’t like him, Moss is well on his way without question to Canton as a member of the hall of fame when he retires. Some guy named Chris Gamble who’s a cornerback on the Panthers made the following comment about Moss:
“We knew he was going to shut it down. That's what we wanted him to do. That's what we did ... He'd just give up a lot. Slow down, he's not going deep, not trying to run a route. You can tell, his body language."
Now Christopher, everyone has a bad game. This game happened to be Moss’s game. You didn’t cover him and complete an interception on him twice like my man CB Vontae Davis on the Phins did. In fact, you fucking lost the game, and the Panthers record is 5-8. You want to talk shit, do it when you win, not when you lose. Moss had an off game, and now what you have opened the floodgates and from this point on, Moss will be unstoppable. Brady will make sure he throws to him. If you think Randy Moss sucks so much, why did you have to double team him? You should have gone man to man with him. I need the Patsies to lose a game so my Dolphins win the AFC East when they run the table, and now you have give that team bulletin board material for the rest of the year. Thanks dude.
5-And now let me present, thoughts from a delusional football coach:
"As I look at our eight losses, three of them were legitimate losses. The other five we were right in there, had opportunities. So to say that we're that far away (from being a playoff team), I wouldn't necessarily say that."
Yes Bears fans, that’s your coach. I am wondering which five he’s referring to. Try not to say San Francisco because when you QB gets picked 5 times, you’re not right in there. The point is, Lovie Smith lives in a fantasy world. He doesn’t want to admit that team has drafted poorly, played poorly, and made bad decisions. His boss, Jerry Angelo mortgaged the future for Jay Cutler, and for this year, the reward wasn’t there. Although Smith helped bring the Bears to the Superbowl in 2006, there hasn’t been really a bright light since then. Perhaps this team needs more fire, and less excuses. Can you imagine if they won what he would say?
“This victory solidifies us as a possible playoff contender. We’re not mathematically eliminated.”
Well, the team is now eliminated in every possible way, and Lovie my friend, you could be next. Keep drinking the orange blue cool aid that you and Angelo make at Hallas Hall. Stay tuned.
6-I try not to discuss politics and religion here, but if I may. Thomson, IL may be home to many of the terrorist suspects that have been being housed at Guantanamo Bay. First off, why does it have to be Illinois? We have shitty weather. The cows make lots of noise in that part of town. We already have too many shady ass people in Illinois. They’re called politicians. Do we really need terrorist suspects all under the same roof? If we really need to put them in Illinois, put them in Paw Paw, IL. I don’t know, I just would like to hear that name in the news more often because it’s a funny name for a town. Can you imagine Sarah Schulte saying “the Paw Paw city government is ready for the transition of terrorists that will be living in the Steven Wright house. The city is surrounded by Paw Paw trees and…” Do you get it? The name of the town Paw Paw is funny. Bottom line, I’m not comfortable with this decision as I am never comfortable with any decision government makes.
7-And finally, I would like to leave you with something funny. A friend of mine turned my attention to a website called texts from last night.com. There is some whacked out shit here you can see. I have decided to highlight a couple of examples for you…
(786): Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
(641): I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
(319): Good thing spelling doesn't count.
(919): Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
(708): blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I am not making this up, and the texts have not been corrected for spelling and grammar. Check it out if you’re feeling down. Sure to cheer you up.
Happy hump day.
M
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